"Thought is at the bottom of all progress or retrogression, of all
success or failure, of all that is desirable or undesirable in human
life. The type of thought we entertain both creates and draws conditions
that crystallize about it, conditions exactly the same in nature as is
the thought that gives them form.

Thoughts are forces, and each creates of its kind, whether we realize it
or not. The great law of the drawing power of the mind, which says that
like creates like, and that like attracts like, is continually working
in every human life, for it is one of the great immutable laws of the
universe.

For one to take time to see clearly the things one would attain to, and
then to hold that ideal steadily and continually before his mind, never
allowing faith--his positive thought-forces--to give way to or to be
neutralized by doubts and fears, and then to set about doing each day
what his hands find to do, never complaining, but spending the time that
he would otherwise spend in complaint in focusing his thought-forces upon
the ideal that his mind has built, will sooner or later bring about the full
materialization of that for which he sets out."

-- Thoughts I Met on the Highway by Ralph Waldo Trine (1866-1958)

..the first presidential debate is on and I'm hiding out in a coffee shop, drinking a half-caf iced mocha and ordering porn (in book form) online.

But then who wouldn't find Anais Nin and Pat Califia more stimulating?

I've been neglecting my journaling again. With good reason, though:

1) I got a job at the Borders bookstore in South County. Full time. With benefits (including dental and vision). *And* I didn't have to lie about getting my masters degree. Yeah, they had me at hello. I gave Blockbuster my two weeks, did my orientation last week and was certified this week. All's well so far. And it turns out a lot of my BB regulars like to read and drink coffee as much as rent movies, so I took a lot of my client base with me :P

2) I posed for my first two classes at Meramec last week. Funny, the students in both classes seemed a lot more at ease around me (asking my name, willing to chat on breaks, etc.) than some of the Figure Drawing students in Arkansas. *taps friends list* Hey! You all there down in Arkansas. Anybody got any ideas why that might be?

3) I've been working on my short fiction, revising and editing several stories and brainstorming for some new ones. I now have a long list of works in progress, which both makes me happy and sad -- happy that I have something to do, sad that they may not be any good. I made the mistake of showing Jason a copy of "The Fall" and he dropped the pages before he even finished it. "Honey, there's no structure here! You have all this great imagery and it isn't going anywhere!" Easy to dismiss, right? Considering the boy didn't fucking finish it.. Sadly, no. He's my brother and I respect his opinion enough to have wasted the past three weeks trying to rewrite the story.

4) My appointment to take the GRE is in two days. I'm only marginally terrified for once, but it's enough.

5) I've been reading Contrarywise and Trickster's Touch and looking for a man in a yellow and black striped jacket to drop into my life unexpectedly.

I think the trauma of being forced to listen to the "chipmunk rap" sample on the Alvin and the Chipmunks dvd menu in tandem with the Cardinals opening day game on the radio Tuesday night fried my brain. But getting to return the trauma by checking out Sweeney Todd to clueless yuppie girls drooling over Johnny Depp has helped a lot.

quietkindofcraz flew in from Dallas for a few days and I got to hang out with her Friday night for the first time since she moved to Texas. We went to Mokabe's and Coffee Cartel, played a bit of catch up, etc. She flew back on Tuesday and hopefully the powers that be didn't pull any terrible April Fools tricks on her, the airport, or the other passengers sharing her flight back.

The childhood obesity article lumbers onward, like a zombie. I sent in my latest info to Lucas (two direct sources, five indirect, focus on obesity and weight control behaviors in adolescent girls, what parents can do, etc.) and my conclusion that the article was more than ready for publication. *He* fired back with a reply asking if I'd gotten my sample of county school phys. ed. curriculum vs. city schools finished because "that's the info that's really going to make the article pop."

Fucker. I'll get your answer but *you won't like it.* Like most of the medical community, both of my direct sources have pointed the finger away from the schools and back at the parents and *gasp* personal responsibility.

Thursday morning, I had an in-person interview for a full-time position in the records department at Husch Blackwell Sanders, the law firm where Uncle Matt works. I was confident, did my best to engage and be engaging. I was straight forward with them about my career goals (master's degree in creative writing, continue freelancing and submitting short fiction to various anthologies) and expect their answer by Wednesday. I've never liked nepotism -- but I wouldn't mind if it carried me over the hump this time.

More media binging: I've watched The Cockettes, a documentary of the "hippe acid freak drag queen" theatre group that performed in San Francisco from 1969 to 1972, at least six times and am this close to just buying my own copy. It's got all the things I can never get tired of: men wearing dresses and make-up, strong vibrant women and showtunes. I finished reading Macho Sluts and have decided I want it in my coffin with me after I die. I went to Borders Wednesday night and found a copy of The Guide to Lesbian Sex on clearance for $4.99. It's terribly vanilla (the chapter on "Scent" talks about.. perfume, lotion and scented candles) and all the women are slender with long manicured fingernails but otherwise it's well worth the price.

I really need a date. And a day job. And for this article to be *finished*.

Just realized, in the midst of my new job horror, I never posted about my wonderful weekend in Fayetteville. Feel free to slap me, you guys.

It was a lot of fun :) wintermexican came over around 9:30 Friday morning, we packed my grandpa's cooler with salami sandwiches (and a Starbuck's coffee for me -- thanks again, Eddie!) and a box of Cheez-Its and headed out around 10. We didn't see many skidmarks, shredded tires or animals that had been hit on the side of the road -- the usual staples of Highway 44. We *did* however see a LOT of highway patrol cars pulling over speeders -- approximately 10 between St. Louis and Fayetteville. Fortunately the Speed Queen (moi) was only behind the wheel until we reached Springfield, then Edds took over the driving. He seemed to genuinely enjoy the landscape of the places we were driving past on the highway -- which made me really want to take him down to Eureka Springs because he'd love the gorgeous rolling hills you pass on Highway 65 (if you can avoid the hideous campers on their way to Branson).

We got into Fayetteville around 3:30 and stopped by the school on the off-chance that any of my J-school professors would have stayed late in their offices. They hadn't. I ended up leaving a couple Post-It messages on Montgomery, Shurlds's and Jordan's doors. We checked into Motel 6 after that and I made a round of phone calls letting some friends know I was in town.

We spent the evening at lagaiem and takentogether's new place, eating pizza, playing Cranium and catching up. I hadn't seen either of the girls in more than a year and it was wonderful to spend time with them. Maggie's been making these amazing stuffed animals -- complete with third eyes, no arms, claws, etc. -- that I love (let me know when they're ready for sale, I *will* buy at least two).

Saturday, Edds and I visited the student union, stopping at the bookstore and the Razorback store where I bought a new UA travel mug (the dishwaser obliterated the school's insignia on my old one). Later, I gave him a short walking tour of Dickson Street, which was really just an excuse to walk up to the Dickson Street Bookstore. I bought a new copy of Orlando (the QPB version, no less! with the pink triangle on the spine) and Macho Sluts by Pat Califia. The latter is a collection of gay and lesbian BDSM short stories written by a trans author. I love, love *love* it. When I showed it to Mikey later, he almost didn't give it back.

We met up with visible_soul and astra_accipiter at Common Grounds which, unfortunately, was already packed to the gills and had a 45 minute wait for food orders. We decided to walk up to Kosmos instead and have a little pow wow in the rose garden behind the Walton Arts Center. The restaurant forgot to give us utensils and I had to eat my greek salad with my fingers. The boys took us by their new house afterward. They just signed a lease on a *beautiful* sandstone house on Noelle street. It was built in the '20s when the pre-fab, vinyl-siding, Post-It coloured houses all around them was farmland. It's positively *gorgeous*.

Sunday, we met Jill and Theresa at Village Inn for brunch before getting back on the road. Both are doing well. Kosen-rufu gongyo was on Saturday Theresa's back together with Ethan who I'm not crazy about (and neither is Jill or the rest of the SGI group) but things seem okay between them for the moment. Jill asked Eddie at one point what he thought of Fayetteville and he said "I don't want to leave."

I really didn't either.

..my Hufflepuff bookmark is keeping my place in Heinlein's I Will Fear No Evil. I think it has a thing about genderbending characters.

I've been on another weekend-long culturally-enriching binge of fucked-up media.

It started Thursday night when I rented Sid and Nancy and Crumb, Terry Zwigoff' documentary about the artist R. Crumb. It continued Friday night when my copy of Dark Harbor came in the mail from Blockbuster Online. I had to work that night so I didn't get to watch it until I came home around 11:30 at night. I watched the film two more times the next day and watched that final scene between Alan Rickman and Norman Reedus at least six times. *Amazing stuff* BB Online is not getting their movie back.

It continued last night when I went to Borders and read large parts of England's Dreaming by Jon Savage as research for the book (Valerie's journey from Southern Missouri to London seems to coincide with what we'll call the "second wave" of punk rock from America to England -- Malcolm McClaren's fact-finding mission from his brief management of the New York Dolls' and subsequent theft of early punk ethos from the New York crowd being the first, the Ramones/Talking Heads tour of England in July of 1976 being the second -- but I'm not sure if I'd call her a real punk rock chick. She doesn't strike me as someone who would have lasted even on the fringes of the nastiness that surrounded the Sex Pistols and their entourage, particularly after homophobia took over much of that scene.) and continued today with watching the pre-street copy of Goya's Ghosts and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

The last one I watched to get inspiration for a drabble challenge, but it seemed to dovetail so neatly with every other film in that line-up..

And I must be a lunatic because watching this stuff and reading this stuff inspired me to write another two pages in the book. The book was called These Two Creatures, but now I'm back to not being sure what to call it.. It'll probably come to me when the book is actually finished, whenever that will be. I'm almost finished with chapter 2 and feel so accomplished.

After running out of excuses not to, I finally bought myself a copy of Maurice by E.M. Forster. I ended up devouring it in one gulp over the course of an entire day, three cities and three different airports.

The trip to Longview went well. I flew in Sunday evening and found out the following: 1) NWA is not, in fact, the smallest airport ever. It has two gates. GGG in Gregg County has *one*. 2) The taxis in Longview and the surrounding counties are cash only. 3) Kilgore is *not* as close to Longview as Travelocity inferred. It's actually about 10 miles (and $30) outside the city. But whatever. I was too exhausted (and motion-sick) to complain by then. I ordered pizza, turned down the bedclothes and decided not to move for 13 hours.

I had my interview at the News-Journal Monday morning. I got to meet Juan, the managing editor who I've been playing e-mail and phone tag with since September, and pretty much the whole staff. They were all incredibly nice and very easy to converse with. Glenn and Adam -- two of the writers -- took me out to lunch downtown and showed me around the area. Longview is maybe a little smaller than Fayetteville, population 74,000. One of the main streets running through downtown is called Fredonia which, being a Marx Brothers fan, endeared me tremendously. Jimmy, the photo editor, took me out to a Tex-Mex place called El Sombrero later that night and showed me where the city's two gay bars are (*Prost!*). Good news: if I get hired, I won't be the "only gay in the village." :P

All in all, I think it went pretty well. I'm supposed to be hearing from Juan in the next few weeks or so, Feb. 4 at the latest. By mid-March, I could be an employed, full-time newspaper writer living and working in East Texas. Then again I could still be in StL scrounging for good-paying freelance work. *shrug*

In other news, Blockbuster -- for reasons unknown -- is selling off our copies of Queer As Folk which makes me a sad panda. They're selling them in seasonal bundles and with my discount, I managed to grab the last copy of season 3 for less than $20. No such luck with the others -- one and two were both gone by the time I came into work and found them on the sale shelf; four and five are priced at $49 a piece.

The jewelry fiend is at it again: after visiting Rachel and Michael at EWB, I have a new citrine bracelet and a new wrist mala I designed and put together myself. I'll be posting a pic of that one ASAP. Meanwhile, my other two wrist mala are on my altar -- the jade, sandalwood and blue cinnabar one is around the neck of my Frank N' Furter action figure, the white howlite one is around Silent Bob. Rationality seems to suit him.

..My Slytherin bookmark is keeping my place in my copy of Sexual Personae. In a chapter on Byron.

I didn't find a new copy of the book I was looking for, but I *did* find a copy of Camille Paglia's Sexual Personae.

ME: "How much is this book?"
SELLER: "Where'd you find it?"
ME: "It was on that cart over there."
SELLER: "25 cents."

*joygasm*

Someone shelved Lube Jobs: A Woman's Guide to Great Maintenance Sex in the *Western Philosophy* section, between Butler and Camus. I laughed for almost two minutes straight.

Found my tiger iron, found my work shirt. Both were hiding in plain sight. Forgot to send permission slip for consumer reports in with my application to the Times-Picayune. Spent $2 faxing it from Pak Mail. Finished one of three articles for Vital Voice -- it's a *cover* story. Bought a purple Om tank top from Pathways, a copy of Pride and Prejudice from Borders. Hung out with Rene, had a coffee, wrote more about the boys, tested out some dialogue and descriptions on Rene -- who laughed more often than not. Hopefully, I'm doing something right.

On Monday, Rachel gave me a small labradorite pendant they'd been unable to find a project for. I strung it on the same cord as my Begging Buddha and they seem to be cohabitating quite happily.

One of my regular Tuesday customers asked me if I'd lost weight since she'd seen me last. I honestly don't know but, all the same, don't dare to hope. If I have, y'all know I didn't lose it the right way.

Informal poll: Amazon.com has opened up pre-orders for the Young Ones: Extra Stoopid Edition box set with a 25% rebate. Do I spend now or put it on my Xmas list and make someone else spend $45-60?

I've been beyond tired lately.. Not sure why, either.

It wasn't the most unique day but it was fairly decent: I worked a long day shift at Blockbuster today, rented out innumerable copies of the John Cusack-Stephen King movie and the Fantastic Four sequel. Mailed out my application to the Times-Picayune, priority mail. With any luck, Human Resources should have it by Thursday afternoon. Called PRIDE office at UA to find out date of homecoming dance, got no answer just like yesterday. Got a call from Dierbergs' corporate office -- they don't carry female condoms. Surprise. Lost my work shirt in the bathroom when I was changing, may have lost my tiger iron stone somewhere in the store or my car -- not really sure where but, being mystical in nature, it will probably find it's way back to me eventually.

Had supper with Grandpa, watched Katie Couric and checked my e-mail. Went to Bread Co, read more Orlando and worked more on the book. Came home, lit some incense, put a tea-light in the skull on my nightstand and sat down with my library books on Byron and sodomy. Happy little queer journalist/novelist was I. Followed Notorious C.H.O. with Lola Rennt and read some Shelley, started making a list of chapter headings for the book that doesn't even have a title yet.

My Hufflepuff bookmark is currently keeping my place in my copy of Orlando.

..book AND movie. Whether it was Close Range or the $10 60-page novella Borders started selling after the movie came out.

All of my friends and betters lined up at Walmart the day the dvd dropped and bought it for $13.99 or so. It was like an event, for my straight friends as well as my gay and lesbian friends. I loved the film -- rooted for it at the Oscars and was beyond livid when it didn't get Best Picture (going so far as to rant about it on my radio show later that night).

I didn't buy it though -- dvd or book. I had an html file of the story that had been posted by someone on LJ two months before the movie opened, no reason to waste a tenner. And what was the use in buying a film that was just going to "kick me in the chest with steel toes everytime I watch it." Anyway, after the first week on the shelves, the price went up to $20 and I think my relatives were all relieved when both Christmas and two of my birthdays rolled around and I didn't ask for it (I won't include Uncle Matt and Aunt Dolores here -- they're the ones who gave me The Naked Civil Servant; MOTY, however, doesn't count because I doubt she knew what Naked Lunch was about when she bought it for me).

Six months ago, the Borders near my house put twenty surplus copies of the 60-page novella on clearance for $1.99. I bought it. Today, I was picking up a shift at the Blockbuster on Baptist Church and Lindbergh -- turns out they had a copy (as in *one copy*) of the movie on clearance for $3.99.

I bought it.

I am now the proud owner of one of the best films ever made -- and no doubt, it will kick me in the chest everytime I watch it. That's okay.

Heartbroken by a damn book.



"hers is the song
you cannot get
from your head."

"what is the cost of freedom?
and how is it paid?"

"i cannot make
your past disappear

only rabbits, my love
only love."

"a love supreme
summoned from dreams
fuses now
with the hereafter
as spirit to flesh
is melded by the sun."


-- Excerpts from "'Said the Shotgun to the Head" by Saul Williams

...it must be all the fangirl/boy pheremones in the drinking water, driven to a pique as the movie opening and book release dates get closer :P

To celebrate, I lifted these from pepperjackcandy (who also coined the phrase "Potterdamerung"):

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Draco Malfoy starts a rock band after fleeing an angry horde of barbarians Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Hermione Granger is arrested for selling Ritalin to the younger pupils in the Room of Requirement Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Ginny Weasley becomes Prime Minister in a passage written by Harold Pinter Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

And last, but certainly NOT least... (cue drum roll)...

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is: Ron Weasley kills Hermione because J K Rowling got bored Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

What does it mean that I can see the last one actually *happening*?

...and my love of the series has come out of hibernation. So...



This was not my first pairing in the HP fandom but, recently, it's become my favorite.

So I was in Slackers yesterday, wandering through the DVD section, disappointed that there are no gay and lesbian films (none with *happy* endings anyway) on the shelves this week, when I stumbled across an old VHS copy of "Absolute Beginners."

This is the movie version of a book I had to read for Multicultural Britain, which became one of my favorite books ever. I wrote my final paper on it for the class, focusing on the author's use of queer characters in both a positive and negative context, including the character of Wizard, a 16-year-old pimp who I came to believe as I read the novel, was actually in love with his best friend (the narrator) and that their falling out precipitated his siding with the "white right" mob during the Notting Hill riots at the end of the book.

The film was made in 1986, starring David Bowie. The director, Julien Temple, shot the film as a musical which, while interesting, actually eliminates the jazz score that runs throughout the text of the book in favor of a poppy, Comden and Green style songbook and score: a teenage jazz romp scored with a 40-year-old's concept of jazz. Still, we do get an interesting facsimile of Billie Holiday played by Sade near the middle of the movie. It's entertaining overall, with a tacked on "happy ending" that grates on my nerves but is probably well-loved by somebody. And strangely enough, that's not my biggest gripe about the film.

Several themes from the 1958 novel were deemed "too controversial" even almost thirty years later:

1) Interracial Dating: Suzette primarily dates and prefers the company of black men. In the novel, this is the reason she's no longer dating Colin, the narrator. In the film, she and Colin are still "sort of" on and the closest we come to this old problem of theirs is seeing Suze dancing with a black man in a club when he meets up with her.

2) Substantial "Real" LGBT characters: Hoplite, Big Jill and Wizard are all still in the film, but their parts have been scaled back. Wiz, while the best friend in the novel, is banished to the background and the argument that precipitates the decline of this friendship is played down severely. Big Jill's lesbianism is kept in the film, but her occupation as a pimp is not. Her last genuine moment in the novel (i.e. when she tells Colin she won't help him fight the mob outside during the riots) is also excised in favor of the us vs. them atmosphere of the riot sequence.

3) Racial Violence: Again, the decision to shoot AB as a musical also seems to have hurt this crucial theme in the novel. The film does its best but the reality of the 1958 race riots in Notting Hill isn't easily translated into the context of film let alone musical drama. We get some scenes showing the escalation of white-on-black violence in the area building up through the film. But by the climax, the riot -- which is still going on when Colin dashes off at the end of the novel -- lasts a total ten minutes onscreen. Alan Freeman's Call Me Cobber proudly describes a cease-fire to the proceedings as Napoli's citizens start to clean up.. Never mind the historical inaccuracy of the statement.. And the fact that the Teds are still out vandalizing half the block.

All things aside, it's a decent flick. It's just not a flick of the novel I loved. Nerts.